An introvert’s perspective

The Introvert’s Diaries Ep. 3: The Inevitable Truth

Painting
The Inevitable Truth: Painting done by me. Oil pastel on paper

Hello reader! I’m back to blogging after quite a long time. Since the past month, I’ve not been keeping well, in the body, and hence, in the mind (or vice-versa, I’m not sure).  It was only yesterday that I had a stunning realization! We all try to escape from the truth all the time, only to face it a little while later, but with a hundred times greater intensity. This post is about ‘The Truth’: the ever-present, eternal enemy that even the mightiest of warriors is afraid to face.

 
A recent personal life revelation left me shattered to the point that my whole perception of the world changed in a millionth of a second. Here I am, dangling in the present while facing the repercussions of my past, of which I remember nothing much, except that I was sad for the most part of it. Back then, one of the major reasons for my sorrow was that I was always picked on at school and college for being fat. Years later when I shed off those extra pounds of flesh, my ‘friends’ still picked on me.
 
That’s when ‘The Truth’ hit me, that I was never bullied for how I looked, but for who I was.
 
That’s when ‘the truth’ hit me, that I was never bullied for how I looked, but for who I was(am). I am a hypersensitive deer who always tries to please others by smiling and being nice to them. Thus, I became an easy prey to the prowling tigers. Just as animals can smell the fear in their opponents, ‘huminals’ (human animals) can smell a weak mind. They always cherish their victories by collecting mementos of laughter (often fake) from their pack of people It’s only recently that I realized that in moments when my self-respect is being threatened, fighting back in defiance is the ONLY ‘nice’ thing to do. Lest I should be dealing with suppressed anger while also doing a great deal of injustice to myself.
 
In moments when my self-respect is being threatened, fighting back in defiance is the ONLY ‘nice’ thing to do.
 
Anyway, the recent revelation that I mentioned about may or may not have to do with any of this, but I somehow feel that all this is interconnected. Throughout our lives, we play hide-and-seek with the truth instead of facing the reality and accepting it. We distract ourselves with phones and internet, instead of confronting our insecurities or questioning the deepest of worries that are haunting us.
 
We all are cowards when it comes to facing the truth, and we all are guilty of it.
 
The girl with the gorgeous hair flips it all the time to divert the spectator’s eye from her hideous, (so she thinks) face covered with pimples. The girl with her hair tied up in a bun uses her book that she’s reading as a shield to ward off interactions with her peers and the eyes of the onlookers. The girl who always complains about her dark complexion wears tight clothes and flaunts her cleavage. The short girl with frizzy hair takes great care to straighten every strand of it and colors it red. That tall guy who bullies others for ‘fun’ exerts his domination and power over the weak to overcome his relationship with his abusive father. That popular guy in the college avoids talking to his mom because she would remind him to study well, eat healthy food and to sleep early. We all are cowards when it comes to facing the truth, and we all are guilty of it.
 
Since the past few weeks, I wasn’t feeling well. But I avoided to do the necessary follow up right away as I was afraid to face the outcome. Like I expected, the result was not a pleasant one. I burst out crying in front of the doctor because I was not willing to hear or see ‘The Truth’.
 
Crying is the best of drugs when there are no other alternatives around. The eyes are closed, there’s darkness everywhere. The ears only hear the weeping voice. The mind has nothing else to think about except for the pervasive internal pain. But how long can the eyes produce water? The throat dries up, the voice fades away. The brain lulls the body into a seemingly eternal oblivion, only to wake up a while later, to recollect ‘The Truth’ and cry the self to sleep again. This cycle continues until the brain finds an external drug to distract itself from. At last, it accepts ‘The Truth’.
 
It was as if the world was a video game playing in slow motion.
 
It’s been years since I felt this sad, it was as if my whole world shattered into pieces. I didn’t have anyone to share my feelings with. Even if I did, that wouldn’t ease my physical pain and the hardships that I’ve to endure. As I walked, I observed my surroundings while suppressing my sobs. It was as if the world was a video game playing in slow motion. My brain could no longer think or make decisions. At times, it would remind me of something hurtful and unpleasant which would make me cry harder. Then my legs would hurry me to the place where there’s lesser human presence. It was a different experience altogether, it was as if I was transformed into an invisible insect and I was looking around through my tiny eyes.
 
But between the sobs, there’s a strange tranquility. The brain no longer thinks, it becomes a passive receiver.
 
But between the sobs, there’s a strange tranquility. The brain no longer thinks, it becomes a passive receiver. At this moment, there’s no past, present or future. There’s only a desire to go home and sleep, and to wake up the next morning in the hope that it was all a terrible nightmare. I wish I could wake up to my eleven year old self again, and everything that followed till date was all a dream!
 ‘The Truth’ is all about accepting change. The faster you do it, the happier you are.
‘The Truth’ is all about accepting change. The faster you do it, the happier you are. Closing your eyes to the unpleasant reality wouldn’t shun you away from it. It is always there, right in front of you, waiting for you to open your eyes, mocking you of your past, of all the ‘memories’ you made with your ‘friends’ by gossiping, teasing, and whining (now that you’re all alone, and you became the subject of gossip), of all the money you spent on grooming your face and body (but now no amount of anti-aging creams could conceal the wrinkles on your face, or bring back the hair that you’ve lost),  of all the times that you spent on taking the perfect ‘candid’ picture of yourself and finding an apt caption to it, to post it on Instagram, that would make you sound like a ‘philosophical’ deep thinker (while you despised those very people all through your life), and yet here you stand, fat and flaccid, popping ten pills a day, scared to even look at your deformed, shapeless shadow in the shower.
 
It’s not all about you though, it’s about your surroundings too! One day you’ll find all of your favorite childhood treasures eroded by time and termites, your childhood home demolished to debris, your favorite guava tree which was your only living friend across the window, which sheltered squirrels and mynas (they are the real-life ‘Animal Planet’!), which you watched while it bloomed and bear fruit, ruthlessly cut down by its selfish owners. And even worse, one day you will come back to see a deserted home.
 
If not for the idea of facing the consequences of ‘The Truth’, I would consider this experience to be peaceful. It opened a new pathway in my mind of looking into life and nature.
 
Truth is like that best friend who betrayed, it is unexpected and thus, hits us the hardest.
 
Truth is like that best friend who betrayed. It is unexpected and thus, hits us the hardest. When faced with the downright reality, the mind always tries to flee from it, it wants to quit, to leave, to end it all. But then comes sleep, and thereafter comes that intangible hope. And then as the time passes, the body gets accustomed to ‘The Truth’. There’s a newfound faith in God and His miracles. We then challenge ourselves with the goals that we’re left to achieve. Thus, life goes on, like a pendulum, slow and steady, but never back to as it was before.
But what remains is the silent ‘Truth’ which cannot be transcended by desire alone.
 
But what remains is that silent ‘Truth’ which cannot be transcended by desire alone. As I waited in the clinic for two hours straight, I wondered how the dozens of patients and their loved ones, who were in much greater pain than I was, battled with ‘The Truth’ and moved about their lives with the occasional ‘drugs’ of tears and hopes for improvement.
 
Note: I documented these thoughts following a recent traumatic experience, and a realization afterward. I’m am fine and I am not suffering from any life-threatening disease/ condition. Yet, I believe that the intensity of an ailment cannot always be measured by the scale of mortality alone. It is also about the quality of life that we live and hence, the memories that we make out of it. But most importantly, it’s all about how well we accept ‘The Truth’ and lead our lives, without comparing ourselves with others.

Click here to read the Episode 2 of The Introvert’s Diaries

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